The People You Love Never Signed the Contract You Hold Them To

The Buddha mapped this with unusual precision. In the Dhammapada (216) he says: 'तण्हाय जायती सोको, तण्हाय जायती भयं' — from craving, grief is born; from craving, fear is born. Tanha is the thirst that demands reality match my wanting. And he locates the grief exactly: not in the loved one, not in the event, but in the grip itself.

This is the part we resist, because it feels like the other person clearly caused the hurt. But test it. The same forgotten phone call lands as a shrug from someone you expect nothing from, and as a wound from someone you do. The event was identical. What changed was the grip. The expectation is the thirst, and the thirst is what bleeds.

Seen this way, an unspoken expectation is just craving wearing the face of love — a demand quietly dressed up as care.

The Gita points at the cure from the other side. Describing the person who is easy to be around and dear to all, it says (12.13): 'निर्ममो निरहङ्कारः' — free of 'mine-ness,' free of the ego that keeps the ledger. Notice it doesn't say unloving; the same verse calls that person a friend to all beings, full of compassion. Nirmama isn't a colder heart. It's a heart that loves without the running tally — that gives without quietly entering it in the book.

Here's where most people take a wrong turn. They hear 'expectation causes pain' and conclude: fine, I'll expect nothing. I'll detach, want nothing from anyone, and then nothing can hurt me. It sounds wise. It's actually a quiet form of giving up — and it doesn't even work. A heart that has decided to want nothing from the people it loves has mostly just stopped letting them in.

The real move is sharper and warmer. Don't kill the expectation. Voice it. Turn the silent bill into a spoken request.

The difference between those two is everything. An expectation is a verdict delivered after the fact — you should have known, you failed me. The other person had no chance; the test was secret. A request is offered before the fact, out in the open: 'this matters to me, can you do it?' Now they can actually respond — say yes, say no, suggest something else, tell you it's not possible. A request can be met or honestly declined. An expectation can only ever be disappointed.

And voicing it does one more quietly brilliant thing: it tests the expectation. A surprising number of ours don't survive being said out loud. 'You should have known what I wanted without my telling you' sounds almost reasonable inside the head and faintly absurd in the open air. Speaking it is how you find out which of your expectations are fair requests and which were never fair at all.

Picture a festival at home. One person has been cleaning, cooking, arranging since morning, while quietly waiting for the others to notice and pitch in. They don't — not out of malice, they're just on their phones, assuming it's handled. By evening the worker is simmering. A sharp word slips out. The day curdles. Everyone's confused: what happened?

What happened is a silent bill came due. The expectation 'they'll see I need help and step up' was never said. It was a test the family didn't know they were sitting.

Now run the other version. In the morning the same person says, plainly: 'I'm doing a lot today — can you take the cooking, and can you handle the guests?' Small, slightly vulnerable, faintly awkward. And it dissolves the entire evening's drama before it forms. Maybe they say yes. Maybe they renegotiate. Either way nobody is failing a hidden exam.

The vulnerable part is the catch, and it's worth naming. Asking out loud means risking a no, and it gives up the secret pleasure of being the wronged one who did everything. That role has a strange comfort to it. Trading the comfort of silent resentment for the risk of an honest ask is the actual work here — not grand, just genuinely hard. But it's the difference between a relationship that runs on unpaid invoices and one where people can simply tell each other what they need.

Step back and the pattern is everywhere. We hand the people we love contracts they never signed, then feel wronged when they don't perform clauses they never read. Year by year, a close relationship can silently fill with these unpaid invoices, until two people who care are just disappointing each other on terms neither ever spoke.

The Buddha and the Gita are pointing at the same door from two sides. The grief, says the Dhammapada, is in the grip, not the person. The freedom, says the Gita, is to love without keeping the ledger — nirmama, not unloving but un-owning. Neither is telling you to care less. Both are telling you the suffering lives in the secret accounting, and that's the thing you can actually put down.

What makes this matter is how ordinary the remedy is. You don't have to become detached or saintly. You just have to move one thing from your head into the open air: from 'they should have known' to 'here's what I'd love.'

So carry out one small experiment. The next time you feel that familiar sting of 'after all I did,' pause before you file it as their failure, and ask yourself one honest question: did I ever actually say this out loud? If the answer is no, you've found a silent bill. You don't have to fix the whole relationship. Just convert that one expectation into one spoken request, and watch how much of the ache simply had nowhere real to stand.